Dear Prospective Date...

Dear Gentleman Caller,

It is without hesitation that I accept your proposal to visit me in my pied-à-terre. Prior to your arrival, I request that you make due consideration for the following ... peculiarities, to which you might bear witness during your likely brief stay.

- You will never be as hot as Bruce Willis. I'm sorry, but that's just the way things are. He is a 9. Work backwards from there when determining your arrogance level.
- Recommended gifts for presentation upon your arrival might include champagne, Grand Marnier, any number of cakes or pastries, a favourite menu item, or a quarter-pound of superb hash. Remember, I'm making sure (probably) I have toilet paper for you.
- It's entirely possible that during your visit, I might say or do things that will offend you or your belief system. Non-negotiable.

Before arranging a time and place for our rendezvous, please verify the following:
- You may or may not have membership here:



- But should not be here:







Thank you for your interest. If you agree to the terms and conditions herein, please remove your pants and proceed to the tape line on the floor notated with 'Slot B.'

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 41

From a reader:
"I'm not holding that door for that stranger because of some altruistic, pay-it-forward belief that it'll garner me some good karma. Nor am I holding it to impress you or to give you the impression that I am a nice person who cares about other people getting through a door a little easier. I'm doing it because I noticed my reflection in it and it gives me yet another opportunity to check my hair. "

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy #2

Once I've decided I'm in love with you (usually 30 seconds or less after we meet), there is little you or I can do to avoid the ridiculousness that will ensue - Half of me is desperate to live up to the expectations of the fantasy relationship, and the other half wondering why you aren't turning out to be what I think I may want at that moment. None of this is my fault, and will eventually cause me to feel the need to question everything I think I want, germinating some suddenly deep-seated need to "be a better person," which will ultimately manifest through my inability to find anything 'wrong' with me as a drastic change to my hair.

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 76

"I will more than readily tell you about how in love I am with a dog I saw eight blocks ago while you were telling me about how your important_relative died. If you get mad about this, I will assume you hate animals and therefore we cannot be together. However, I will still call you 50 times/day to talk about my hair. Or how good I look. Or the size of my penis." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 50 & 51

"During one of my very infrequent tender moments, I will tell you somehting about myself that borders on showing vulnerability, but as soon as you acknowledge that you understand i will immediately become defensive and ask you "so, you believe that about me?" - R

"In the aforementioned tender moment, I may gaze longingly into the distance. This is not, in fact, a sign of my enrapture or even boredom. I am just looking for something reflective in which I might check my hair." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 49

"I will attempt to hide all of my flaws and idiosyncrasies, or present them in such a way that they might seem appealing. Rest assured, I am not a fixer upper, but actually quite a mess. If you agree with this, I will never speak to you again, except to ask you about my hair, or to acknowledge you in public when I am with someone more attractive." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 75

If you call me while I'm working expect to be written off but YOU should plan on receiving about 55 calls a day, regardless of what your job is or how busy it gets. And those 55 calls will all be about my hair. - R