The Kid, Down Under, and Moving On

It's been awhile, eh?

This bitch has been busy - adopting some lifestyle changes, making things a little better for me in the here and now, wondering what's going to happen next - but don't worry, there's been some dating drama.

One of my fav pickup lines is "Don't you just hate pants?" It always works, in that it shows my interest and gauges how well-matched the other person's sense of humor is for mine. But more importantly, don't you just those online social networking profiles that practically friggin' require you to tell them if you're Single, Married, Divorced, or the more nebulous two "Swinger/In A Relationship." Wtf does in a relationship mean, anyway? I'm in a relationship with my fuckin' dog,

Why do men have so many problems with being one of several guys you're dating? They all do - Let's review some of the statements that might be misconstrued as permissive if read at face-value:

• "I don't care if we're not exclusive." - Lie. If he's bringing it up, he cares. And it's not because he cares about you, it's because he cares if you're seen in public with someone else and one of his friends tells him about it. Reeks of insecurity.
  
• "I'm not having sex with you unless we're exclusive." - Lie. While I'm willing to forego nookie tonight, I have to let you know that I want you to myself. Reeks of desperation.
• "I never said that - I was only there for a few minutes, and I can't believe they would say I said that." - Self-explanatory. Liar.

So I met this guy awhile ago - a younger chap, which already set off several flags on my radar, because that to me says "insecure." The sex with this kid was hot hot hot... A flexible 23-year-old should be given the benefit of the doubt, right? As usual, things moved to quickly, and I got a little antsy and tried to slow it all down - Of course, you can never tell someone their feelings are out-of-control without doing some damage, so that was expected. However, we had long-standing plans to go to my friends' holiday party together this past weekend - where a good time was had by all except those who couldn't figure out why he showed up, and then couldn't figure out why he stayed when he slapped me for no reason in front of the other guests.

DISMISSED.

Let's talk about the Australian, the Down Under, Ozzie, etc. Ever been on one of those dates where there's just too many rules right from the get-go? I'm not sleeping with you unless... I cant do that because.... Only if we're blahblahblahblah... Well, that was this one. He even got a second chance after starting a tonne of drama when he found out I was dating the aforementioned kid - I mean, he couldn't even handle being told I was seeing multiple people. This one is a quick wrap up - he has lots of feelings for me, I can't believe all the drama he can cause every time he's mentioned.

DISMISSED.

It's 2008 - time for some new boys. The stale old ones are just.... taking up space.

Rejected - The Critical Care MethHead

Remember that old saying "too good to be true?"

- Great body.
- Even better ass.
- Smart? Of course he was! PhD in Philosophy! MD, critical care specialty...
- Vegetarian
- Conversationally delightful
- Hot in bed

Oh, right... But he can't stop taking text messages from his meth-addicted exes.

Oh, right... Because he's a methhead, too.


Next!

Rejected - The Ex

Let's talk for just a minute about why sometimes, I make the correct dating decisions...

Together for two-ish years, he 22-24.5, me 24-26.5, we learned a lot about each other. About why we couldn't be together, at least.

I think he was the last guy I dated that didn't immediately have a moniker.

The Ex will likely pop up again and again, even if only to demonstrate what I'm not looking for in a relationship. He did cook every night, though. At least, when he wasn't out fucking everyone else.

Coming right up... The Meth-addict Critical Care Doctor!

Dear Prospective Date...

Dear Gentleman Caller,

It is without hesitation that I accept your proposal to visit me in my pied-à-terre. Prior to your arrival, I request that you make due consideration for the following ... peculiarities, to which you might bear witness during your likely brief stay.

- You will never be as hot as Bruce Willis. I'm sorry, but that's just the way things are. He is a 9. Work backwards from there when determining your arrogance level.
- Recommended gifts for presentation upon your arrival might include champagne, Grand Marnier, any number of cakes or pastries, a favourite menu item, or a quarter-pound of superb hash. Remember, I'm making sure (probably) I have toilet paper for you.
- It's entirely possible that during your visit, I might say or do things that will offend you or your belief system. Non-negotiable.

Before arranging a time and place for our rendezvous, please verify the following:
- You may or may not have membership here:



- But should not be here:







Thank you for your interest. If you agree to the terms and conditions herein, please remove your pants and proceed to the tape line on the floor notated with 'Slot B.'

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 41

From a reader:
"I'm not holding that door for that stranger because of some altruistic, pay-it-forward belief that it'll garner me some good karma. Nor am I holding it to impress you or to give you the impression that I am a nice person who cares about other people getting through a door a little easier. I'm doing it because I noticed my reflection in it and it gives me yet another opportunity to check my hair. "

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy #2

Once I've decided I'm in love with you (usually 30 seconds or less after we meet), there is little you or I can do to avoid the ridiculousness that will ensue - Half of me is desperate to live up to the expectations of the fantasy relationship, and the other half wondering why you aren't turning out to be what I think I may want at that moment. None of this is my fault, and will eventually cause me to feel the need to question everything I think I want, germinating some suddenly deep-seated need to "be a better person," which will ultimately manifest through my inability to find anything 'wrong' with me as a drastic change to my hair.

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 76

"I will more than readily tell you about how in love I am with a dog I saw eight blocks ago while you were telling me about how your important_relative died. If you get mad about this, I will assume you hate animals and therefore we cannot be together. However, I will still call you 50 times/day to talk about my hair. Or how good I look. Or the size of my penis." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 50 & 51

"During one of my very infrequent tender moments, I will tell you somehting about myself that borders on showing vulnerability, but as soon as you acknowledge that you understand i will immediately become defensive and ask you "so, you believe that about me?" - R

"In the aforementioned tender moment, I may gaze longingly into the distance. This is not, in fact, a sign of my enrapture or even boredom. I am just looking for something reflective in which I might check my hair." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 49

"I will attempt to hide all of my flaws and idiosyncrasies, or present them in such a way that they might seem appealing. Rest assured, I am not a fixer upper, but actually quite a mess. If you agree with this, I will never speak to you again, except to ask you about my hair, or to acknowledge you in public when I am with someone more attractive." - j

Reasons I'm Fucking Crazy # 75

If you call me while I'm working expect to be written off but YOU should plan on receiving about 55 calls a day, regardless of what your job is or how busy it gets. And those 55 calls will all be about my hair. - R